The Cold Nights of
Winter
I
gaze around the courtroom in a state of confusion. I am partly angry at myself
for putting myself in this position. On the other hand I blame Jacob, but I
have to be responsible for my own choices.
Everything around me is intimidating. The judge is starting at me with
piercing eyes full of contempt. Her ugly, wrinkled hand stretches out from
underneath her dark flowing robe, reading to lay down the gauntlet with my
conviction. The jury probably hates me because they probably have better things
to do than sit here and listen to me plead insanity. The Jury is made up of men
and women alike, dressed in normal everyday clothes, eagerly waiting that
moment that they can be set free while I am placed in custody. Everything else
is empty; empty walls, empty chairs, and empty tables. Today is my final day in
court. Today is the day I will be told my fate. The funny thing is the night it
all happened is a total blur. Everything I know about the actual event was
explained to me by my boyfriend Jacob. Jacob is intoxicating with is long dark
hair and piercing blue eyes that are softly hidden underneath is silky hair. I
have been dating Jacob for almost two years and up until now, it has been
complete bliss. He always treated me right and he took care of me when I left
home at 17. I have been living with him in our small apartment above 5th
street in Brooklyn since then. I left my wealthy family for many reasons. To
start with they wanted me to become someone that I am not. I wasn’t the
daughter they wanted me to be. They wanted me to go to NYU to study economics.
From there the plan was to get a job working on Wall Street. Little did they
know, due to the fact that my opinions didn’t matter to them that I planned on
going to art school? On the night of my seventeenth birthday, I told them about
my plans. My father stared at me with a grim face before stomping up the stairs
making giant thuds with each step. My mother on the other hand went ballistic.
After the yelling and screaming ceased, I called Jacob, packed a bag, and I
haven’t spoken to my parents since.
I am 25 now and I
never believed I would be in this position, alone, sitting in a court room
awaiting the fate that would change my life forever. I remember the night of
the incident clear as day; it seemed so full of promise. I was having a lot of
anxiety paying off my student loans from art school and it seemed as if my
entire world was crashing down on me. Jacob thought he could help. So that
night I met him after work at a little bar on the corner of the bad part of
town. The air, the walls, the streets, all appeared dark and sketchy. There was
trash blanketing the ground and the air permeated of sewer. I tentatively
walked into the bar. I had never been to this side of town, nor did I think
that Jacob would ever be in this place. Despite all odds, I walked into the bar
and took a seat next to an ugly biker that looked like a rock star that hadn’t
had a shower in months. He had piercings and tattoos all over his body and he
reeked of booze. I sat uncomfortably
next to him until Jacob emerged in the doorway. He strode over to me with his
biceps pulsing with every step. To this day, he still makes my heart race. He
grabs my waist with strong impulsion and kisses me hard. My lips felt like they
were on fire. I remember thinking that he was the only person in the world that
could understand me and yet he got me into the biggest pickle that I will never
fully be able to get myself out of. Sitting next to him, drowning my sorrows at
the bar, he reveals to me a couple of tiny red and black pills. They were
large, appeared to be too large for human consumption. But I was desperate.
Jacob claimed the pills were supposed to help me relax, but they did no such
thing. I take the pills and swallow them with a huge gulp from my absolute
martini. I can still remember the sour taste of the pills mixed with the horrid
olive flavor from the martini searing my throat as they slid down into my
stomach. I remember seeing a light emerge out of thin air. From that point on,
I remember nothing. Apparently I had gotten in my car to drive home, ran a red
light, and killed a homeless person crossing the street. Apparently the scene
was horrific. Thanks to Jacob, I remember nothing.
So here I sit in
silence. Suddenly I hear, “all rise for the judge”. I stand. She peers down at
me and I look up at her with begging eyes. After what seems like a decade, the
judge speaks. “Due to the fact that the defendant was unaware of the substance she
was taking, and it resulted in temporary insanity, I hereby sentence the
defendant to ten years in a state rehab institution.” I am at a loss for
emotions. I feel empty. I peer over at the prosecution. They wanted me to get
life in prison. My own attorneys are celebrating. I however realize that I
can’t breathe. I am gasping for air. I must sound awful like a cat’s evil hiss.
The realization those two seconds of taking a pill is going to cost me ten
years of my life in a lock down rehab facility.
The guards march towards me and snap the
handcuffs on my wrists with such force that I am sure that it will leave a mark
tomorrow morning. They push me outside the court doors and into a white van.
Inside the van, they lock me in a cage like a rabid animal. I sit in silence
unsure of what to think. I start drifting off into my own world of
thoughts. The van comes to a halt.
German shepherds surround the van. I am jerked out of the cage and through the
front doors where I see a woman standing before me. She is tall, too tall. She
reminds of school librarian that you feared when you were a child. She wore a
long white coat and had nails about two inches long coated in blood red nail
polish. The men uncuffed me as the German shepherds sniffed around my general
vicinity for drugs. When I was cleared as clean, the woman grips my shoulders
and walks me towards a white room with two metal chairs inside. It was here
that I first met Meredith. I sit down in the cool metal chair and watch as the
door softly opens. A tiny blonde girl with soft curls bounces into the room. I
am confused. What on earth would the twenty year old version of Shirley temple is
doing in a drug facility? She reaches out her hand to shake mine. “Meredith”
she proclaims softly “and you?” I clear my throat with a loud gurgle. “Winter”.
“Wow. Such a mystic name. Does it stand for something?” “My parents always told
me I was called winter because I emulate the worst season of the year.”
Meredith doesn’t flinch. She replies with a soft giggle before continuing. “I
am your roommate. I have been here for 4 years. I was sent here when I was 16
for possession and dealing of marijuana. Today I am completely sober and
granted with the freedom to spend the rest of my 5 year sentence mentoring the
newbies like you.” Again, I don’t know what to say so I awkwardly reply, “ok,
what next?” we stand and go to our room.
More white. I am getting sick of
all this white. Luckily for me, it is almost the night.
When we get to our
room Meredith and I talk for a while. She tells me her story. She was always a
good girl until the stock market crash which left her family dry. She met a guy
her freshman year of high school that gave her her first joint and after a
couple months she was dealing the stuff for money. Lots of it. In February of
that same year she tried to deal to an undercover cop and was arrested and
stuffed in here. After years of counseling she became sober and certified to
help others for her final year in the institution. I go on to tell her my
story. At the end she seems unappeased and adds, “Men are pigs eh?” that was
shocking to me. We talk for hours after lights out about Jacob and my parents.
I know I have only known her for a few short hours, but she has helped me make
sense of it all. After talking to her all I want to do is see Jacob and tell
him that I don’t blame him anymore.
I wait until 3 am
to carry out my plan. Luckily, prior to the court deliberation today, Jacob
came to visit me in my holding cell. It was there that we planned my escape
tonight. There is a window in my room, locked of course. I peer around the room
and I notice Meredith’s certified member badge. As she walked me to our room
earlier in the day, she used that card to enter any room. I swipe the card and
slide outside the room. I walk up to the guard on our floor and show the card.
He looks suspicious, but waves me through. I stride towards the big red light
that says staff door. Another guard waits. I get ready to show the card even
though I don’t think it will work because Meredith is technically a patient
here. As I approach, I realize that the guard is dreaming in his chair
accompanied by a soft snore. I creep past him and out the door. I am out. I
didn’t think it would be that easy, but I did it.
I start to walk towards the park where I said
I would meet Jacob. As I approach I see him sitting there so proud and tall. He
looks like he just won the lottery. His smug, pretentious expression worries
me. As I get closer his eyes are beet red. “Jacob”, I say softly. He lurches
towards me unable to control himself. “Winter, my girl” he slurs. His grubby
hands are all over me. I am feeling violated so I push him off of me. bad plan.
He starts to yell. “ Winter, who do you think you are? You are not allowed to
just touch me like that.” His hand swings towards me and slaps me clear across the face. The area
where he hit me is cold and tingly. It begins to burn like my skin is on fire.
That is when I realize that I am on the ground. He is still hitting me. I don’t
understand what is happening. I see a light and I start to fade into it. I
think to myself, “I wonder if this is dying feels like”.
I wake next to
Meredith and the creepy tall lady in a hospital bed in downtown New York
City. I don’t know how they found me or
what my punishment will be, but the doctor tells me that I am lucky to be
alive. I have just undergone emergency surgery in attempt to fix the internal
organ damage caused by Jacobs beating, I look in a mirror. I don’t know who I
am looking at, but the girl with scars, her hair shaved off, and a face that
resembles a bowl of black and purple plums certainly does not look like me. The
doctor continues to say, “Obviously, you will need cosmetic surgery to fix your
appearance. We can attempt to make you look as normal as possible.” Great. Ten
years in a facility and I might never look normal again. Sometimes I wish I could
just go back to the day I packed my bags. I wonder if things would be
different. I hear Meredith gasp. I follow her eyesight to the door where Jacob stands
looking as if he has been through a hurricane. He doesn’t say a word. He takes
one look at me and breaks down into a puddle on the floor. His tears
practically drowning my emergency care room. I can barely hear him mutter the
words “I’m so sorry” on repeat for about 20 minutes. Despite my conscience telling me not to, my
heart forgives him on the spot. I love this man. I don’t care what he does to
me.
Jacob stays with
me for the next couple weeks in the hospital. After, I am released back to the
facility, but post my rendezvous in the night; I am now sentenced to 20 years
here, not ten. I disregard that completely. Again, after Meredith
falls asleep, I take her card and leave. I meet Jacob just outside the rehab facility. Hand
in hand we walk away towards the moonlight.
If you have any questions for me regarding the story... don't hesitate to email me at msandwithcrader@gmail.com I hope you enjoyed it.
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